Something Special

I found something, something special, hidden away deep within the walls of a man. I found someone who makes me feel like I could do anything, be anything and yet is also in love with me just the way I am. I did not think it was possible to expect everything and nothing at the same time, I feel as if everything here is a perfectly balanced contradiction. I have never felt more safe in my entire life and yet I know that I am completely vulnerable, exposed like I have never previously experienced. I have always believed in the power of love, just had my doubts that its power would ever truly penetrate my life in a way I had seen it do in others. I had always heard that love makes people do crazy things, and although I thought I knew what love was before, I could not have begun to imagine how it takes hold of you on every level possible. My previous notions of being in love were merely the tip of the iceberg, ripples on the surface of what was possible. It feels as if a whole new world as opened up before me, the romantic in me is finally being appreciated. All of a sudden, I am not just seeing the possibility of love, I am actually living it. It is an amazing turn of events, which I hope will continue to blossom forth into an adventure of a lifetime.

Crazy Life...

It's been awhile since I updated this thing, mainly because I am crazy busy all the time. All of my writing has been done on paper, since that is something I readily have on hand. Life has been, to say the very least, crazy. I've been working a new job for about 3 months now, the work is hard, hours are long and the pay is terrible but it is very rewarding. I love helping people, making a positive change in someone's life. I work with people with disabilities, helping them learn to live independently. It is a LOT of driving and conflict resolution. I have to be a million things all in one job, which makes my job very interesting except for the hours of unpaid paperwork I have to do. My phone is constantly ringing with questions and concerns from all the people I work with, I basically feel as if I am on call 24/7 because I am not good at denying people anything. For the most part if I have something to give, I will give it. Actually even if I don't have it to give, I will try to find a way to get it so I can give it.

"Wandering" and "Where I Was, You Now Are"

I wrote these poems awhile ago but they really capture how I feel right now.....

Wandering through this realm of emotions

Deciding which way holds clarity

Yearning to remember a time before you

Aching to forget everything you did to me

Contemplating cutting you off completely

Holding on to the friendship we shared

Questioning my decision to leave you

Wondering what made me even stay

Breaking down because love remains

Hating that you make me feel this way

Asking for just one day without tears

Crying because I feel so lost

Wishing that this would come to a close

Hoping I can finally find my way home

You couldn't handle being replaced

All of a sudden you act like you care

Pleading for my forgiveness and love

You request it but do not truly want it

Still believe I was the one in the wrong

Just cant handle my happiness

Perplexed by the smile on my face

Suddenly you decide I'm not invisible

I'm not hidden behind a wall of tears

I would have given you anything

That time has now passed

You gave up your right to me

Hope you'll benefit from your mistakes

Live and learn or you'll never keep love

You lost me and I'm never coming back

Life isn't always about second chances

Sorry it had to end this way

But you brought this pain upon yourself

I'm happy now and you're in tears

Seems like when we were together

Only it was my tears and your smiles then

Funny how life spins things around

Never thought we'd end up here

Expected me to take your abuse forever

Guess what I finally woke up to reality

Now I use the word love in the past tense

Pansy Pirates (short story)

They piloted a strange ship that seemed to hover over the water rather than cut through it. In most regards it was an ordinary ship, full of pirates and booty from the latest pillage. What made this ship stand out from the rest were the sails. Instead of white, the sails were a peculiar shade of pink. These weren't pansy pirates by any means. They were known as the most ruthless and bloodthirsty buccaneers that sailed the seven seas. Why then did they sail under soft feminine colors? All that beheld the ship or heard its tales wondered at the mysterious choice in color. No one dared ask for fear of the cruel retribution that was bound to be taken against them. A sailor once uttered "Pansy Pirates;" they cut out his tongue and shoved it down his throat.

This put an end to inquiry for many months until a new pirate, Algernon, joined the ranks. He did not insult them but merely said, "What made you choose pink sails? I've never seen such a color for sails on a ship before."

The crew laughed as if they were sharing a private joke.

"If you really want to know, go ask the Captain," said one of the crew. "He explains it best."

This had not been Algernon's intention at all. He was scared out of his knickers to see the Captain alone in his quarters. Algernon almost turned back when he got to the door but curiosity got the better of him. Before he could lose his nerve he rapped three times on the solid mahogany. Instantly the door opened and he found himself standing in the shadow of the Captain.

Despite feeling himself go weak in the knees Algernon managed to stammer, "C-can I ask you something?" The Captain stepped aside allowing him to enter. Before he knew what was happening he blurted out, "Why are the sails pink?"

The Captain stared at him and then chuckled. "Those pink sails have made this ship the most famous one to sail the seas. That fact alone might have made me keep them hoisted all this time. What started as a simple laundry error turned into the best private joke of all time."

Algernon was so confused, a laundry error? However, before he could voice his questions, the Captain continued.

"You see when the sails were being washed, one of the recently deceased from our latest rampages slipped into the water. His blood in the water dyed the sails in question pink. At first I was angry and embarrassed to be flying the pink sails, until one day the irony of it hit me. People were scoffing at me but little did they know they were laughing at the blood of their own. Now I have the sails washed in the blood of my enemies intentionally and look forward to the day when the truth gets out, when they all realize what they have been laughing at. We really are the most bloodthirsty pirates of all time, even our sails are tainted."

Flying

I still remember the first time I stepped on an airplane, I was absolutely terrified. I was too young to understand the physics and mechanics of it all, and I must say that even as an adult it still somewhat eludes me.
I know all the reasons a plane works, why it should stay in the air and how it is safer than driving in a car but that does not change my mindset. It boggles my mind that a huge chunk of a metal can stay up in the sky without crashing down to the unforgiving earth.
Now I am no stranger to flying, in fact, I thoroughly enjoy traveling by way of mechanical birds. I love the speed in which it gets me to my destination. I love being able to interact with colorful personalities, without having to deal with them cutting me off or flipping me the bird. I love being able to close my eyes without barreling into oncoming traffic.
There are many reasons why I would choose flying over driving, but they both have their advantages. For example, there is nothing I love more than driving down the road with the wind blowing through my hair, the radio cranked up and singing at the top of my lungs. It is an incredible feeling. It is almost like the rest of the world melts away, it is just you and the road. I feel safer in my car for some reason, I think it is because I feel like I am in control. In a plane, you relinquish control. The moment you set foot on that plane, you are putting your life into someones hands other than your own. That is truly terrifying, no matter what the circumstance.

It doesn't just apply to transportation, it also applies to matters of the heart. Anytime you relinquish control, it is a very scary thing. But honestly, what is life without a little danger? No risk, no reward. Think about that next time you are battling to keep control, sometimes you just have to let it go.

Hates Banking in General

I hate the bank.

Honestly, I wish that I could just stuff my money in my mattress and call it a day. Either that, or bury it in a chest on a deserted island. The only problem with that is easy access, the one positive to having your money in a bank.

The bank steals my money. It is incredibly frustrating. For some reason my check didn't clear in the time that it usually does and the bank slams me with tons of overcharge fees. I am overdrawn which is incredibly frustrating. That is what happens when the bank charges you over $100 in freaking overdraft fees.

Now, I have to go to the bank and argue with a teller(in a nice Christian manner) in the hopes that they will return the money they stole from me. I wish that I was better at arguing, I hardly ever get my way in these situations. In the end, I will probably just have to swallow the fees and passively get back at them by closing my account and switching banks.

Wish me luck.....This never would have happened if I buried my money on a deserted island....

I'm My Own Narrator....

I realized something today at work, sometimes I narrate my life.

Now, I am not speaking of talking to myself. I do that all the time. I have full conversations that can go on for quite awhile.

I am talking about "old time detective" movie style. It is rather hard to explain. I did it out loud on my last plane ride into a tape recorder. That was a rather interesting flight for the person sitting next to me. It started out something like, "It was a dark and stormy night when the young woman boarded the plane, unaware of what the touchdown of the plane would bring." It continues on in that same fashion.

I realize that this makes me strange, and maybe somewhat crazy but I'd actually really like to have a real narrator. It makes me think of that movie Stranger Than Fiction, except I really wouldn't want to know about an impending imminent demise.

I will just have to settle for being my own narrator until I can figure a way to get someone else to do it, preferably someone with a British accent.