Pansy Pirates (short story)

They piloted a strange ship that seemed to hover over the water rather than cut through it. In most regards it was an ordinary ship, full of pirates and booty from the latest pillage. What made this ship stand out from the rest were the sails. Instead of white, the sails were a peculiar shade of pink. These weren't pansy pirates by any means. They were known as the most ruthless and bloodthirsty buccaneers that sailed the seven seas. Why then did they sail under soft feminine colors? All that beheld the ship or heard its tales wondered at the mysterious choice in color. No one dared ask for fear of the cruel retribution that was bound to be taken against them. A sailor once uttered "Pansy Pirates;" they cut out his tongue and shoved it down his throat.

This put an end to inquiry for many months until a new pirate, Algernon, joined the ranks. He did not insult them but merely said, "What made you choose pink sails? I've never seen such a color for sails on a ship before."

The crew laughed as if they were sharing a private joke.

"If you really want to know, go ask the Captain," said one of the crew. "He explains it best."

This had not been Algernon's intention at all. He was scared out of his knickers to see the Captain alone in his quarters. Algernon almost turned back when he got to the door but curiosity got the better of him. Before he could lose his nerve he rapped three times on the solid mahogany. Instantly the door opened and he found himself standing in the shadow of the Captain.

Despite feeling himself go weak in the knees Algernon managed to stammer, "C-can I ask you something?" The Captain stepped aside allowing him to enter. Before he knew what was happening he blurted out, "Why are the sails pink?"

The Captain stared at him and then chuckled. "Those pink sails have made this ship the most famous one to sail the seas. That fact alone might have made me keep them hoisted all this time. What started as a simple laundry error turned into the best private joke of all time."

Algernon was so confused, a laundry error? However, before he could voice his questions, the Captain continued.

"You see when the sails were being washed, one of the recently deceased from our latest rampages slipped into the water. His blood in the water dyed the sails in question pink. At first I was angry and embarrassed to be flying the pink sails, until one day the irony of it hit me. People were scoffing at me but little did they know they were laughing at the blood of their own. Now I have the sails washed in the blood of my enemies intentionally and look forward to the day when the truth gets out, when they all realize what they have been laughing at. We really are the most bloodthirsty pirates of all time, even our sails are tainted."